Befriending the Ego: A New Perspective on Human and Spiritual Growth
When people talk about spirituality or personal growth, they often frame the ego as "the enemy"—something to overcome, suppress, or transcend. The ego is blamed for all sorts of suffering: greed, jealousy, insecurity, and the illusion of separateness. But what if the ego isn’t something to fight against? What if it’s a partner in our journey, a necessary part of what makes us human?
This realization shifted how I think about life and growth. Rather than rejecting the ego or aiming to "transcend" it entirely, I’ve come to see it as a teammate—something to work with, not against. As East Forest beautifully puts it in his song Grandmothersphere:
"I didn’t transcend my ego; we became partners. We became teammates."
This idea opens up a whole new way of looking at ourselves and our experiences. It’s not about silencing the ego to live in a perpetual state of spiritual transcendence. It’s about embracing both the spiritual and the human sides of life, learning to navigate them in harmony.
What Is the Ego?
Let’s start with the basics. The ego is the part of you that gives you a sense of individuality. It’s the “I” in “I am.” It defines your preferences, desires, fears, and attachments. Without the ego, you wouldn’t have a personal identity or be able to navigate the world as a distinct individual.
While the ego gets a bad reputation for creating separateness and fueling selfishness, it’s also what allows us to:
Form relationships: The ego enables you to see yourself as “me” and another person as “you,” creating the foundation for connection.
Experience creativity and ambition: The ego gives us a drive to create, achieve, and express ourselves.
Feel emotions deeply: Love, desire, longing, and even grief are tied to our egoic sense of self.
At the same time, we have a higher self—what some call the interconnected self or the soul. This is the part of us that recognizes oneness, the unity of all things. The higher self isn’t bound by personal identity or attachments; it’s aligned with the infinite and eternal.
Why the Ego Isn’t the Enemy
In spiritual circles, the ego is often seen as something to overcome or destroy. But think about it: without the ego, there would be no human experience. There would be no individuality, no relationships, no stories to live out. The ego anchors us in the physical world and allows us to fully engage with it.
The goal isn’t to eliminate the ego but to work with it. When we demonize the ego, we miss the opportunity to integrate it into a harmonious relationship with the higher self. As East Forest’s quote suggests, the ego can be a partner rather than an obstacle.
Balancing the Ego and the Higher Self
Life is about balance. On one end of the spectrum is the ego, which pulls us into the world of form, desire, and attachment. On the other end is the higher self, which draws us toward transcendence, oneness, and detachment. Neither is “better” than the other—they’re just different aspects of our existence.
The art of living lies in knowing when to lean into one or the other. For example:
Moments of loneliness: These can be invitations to connect with your higher self. When you feel alone, you have the opportunity to step back from egoic attachments and explore the vast, interconnected nature of your being.
Moments of love, desire, and connection: These are invitations to embrace the ego. They ground you in the beauty of the human experience, reminding you of the richness that comes from feeling deeply.
Imagine a scale from 0 to 100, where 0 represents being fully ego-driven and 100 represents complete transcendence. Life isn’t about staying at one point on the scale—it’s about moving fluidly between them. You might hover around 50 most of the time, but there will be moments to dip into the 10s or 20s (fully human) and times to rise into the 80s or 90s (deeply spiritual). The key is knowing when to make those shifts.
Practical Steps for Befriending the Ego
If this idea resonates with you, here are some steps to begin integrating the ego and the higher self:
Observe Without Judgment: Start noticing when your ego is active. Are you feeling competitive, jealous, or self-conscious? Instead of judging these feelings, observe them with curiosity. Ask yourself: “What is this teaching me about myself?”
Cultivate Self-Awareness: Recognize when you’re leaning too heavily into ego or detachment. Are you overly focused on material success or the approval of others? Or are you withdrawing too much, losing touch with the richness of human connection? Awareness is the first step to balance.
Practice Mindfulness: Regular mindfulness practices, like meditation, help you step back from the ego’s chatter. They allow you to connect with the higher self without rejecting the ego entirely.
Embrace Both Sides: Give yourself permission to be human. It’s okay to feel desire, attachment, and ambition—they’re part of life. At the same time, nurture your connection to the higher self through moments of reflection, gratitude, and transcendence.
Reframe Your Perspective: Instead of seeing the ego as an obstacle, view it as a tool. The ego is what allows you to experience individuality, relationships, and creativity. When balanced with the higher self, it enriches your life rather than detracting from it.
The Takeaway
The journey of life isn’t about eliminating the ego or striving for constant transcendence. It’s about integration. It’s about recognizing that the ego and the higher self both have a role to play, and that the true art of living lies in balancing the two.
When we learn to befriend the ego—to see it as a teammate rather than an enemy—we unlock a deeper harmony within ourselves. We can embrace the full spectrum of our humanity while still growing toward a higher sense of purpose.
This is the dance of life. And the beauty of it is that you don’t have to choose between being human and being spiritual. You can be both.
