Control is an Illusion

Control. It’s something we’ve all experienced, something we’ve all craved. We try to control our environment, other people, and even ourselves to create some semblance of stability in an ever-changing world. But in reality, control is an illusion—a comforting one that allows us to avoid accountability or justify our behaviors, actions, or inactions.

At its core, control is about power—the power to influence outcomes, people, and situations. It gives us a sense of security, making us believe that if we hold the reins tightly enough, everything will unfold as planned. But life doesn’t work that way. There are forces, experiences, and emotions outside our control that will always shape us.

What’s more, the idea that we have control, especially over others, is deeply flawed. During a conversation with my therapist, I had a realization: no one can really control us, just as we cannot control others. Even as children, when we might have felt powerless, we still made choices. Those choices might have been between two not-great options, but they were ours. When we pretend that others can control us, we’re simply avoiding accountability for our actions.

Control as a Shield From Accountability

When we cling to control, what we’re often doing is masking our own insecurities. It’s tempting to think that by asserting control over others or circumstances, we can avoid looking at the parts of ourselves that feel powerless, vulnerable, or out of alignment. But trying to control others deflects from the real issue: our responsibility.

For example, when we attempt to control someone’s behavior, we might say, “If they had just done what I said, things would’ve turned out better.” This deflection is a way to avoid looking at how our actions contributed to the situation. Rather than examining why we feel the need to control them, we point fingers and make excuses.

This is where the illusion comes in: we’re never really in control of others, just as no one is truly in control of us. The choices we make, even when influenced by external circumstances, are still our choices. By pretending that someone else made us do something, or that we had no other options, we avoid taking responsibility for our actions and behaviors.

Control as a Justification for Our Choices

Another way we use control is to justify our actions or inactions. We might say things like, “I had no choice,” or “It’s out of my hands,” to make ourselves feel better about the outcome of a situation. But in reality, we always have choices—even if they’re difficult ones. And furthermore, inaction or not doing anything is also still a choice.

This ties directly to my realization: we cannot place the blame for our actions on outside influences. Even in difficult situations, no one is truly controlling us. We act according to our values, our fears, and our desires, and we suffer the consequences of those choices. By recognizing this, we remove the illusion that external forces are pulling the strings. The truth is, we are the ones making decisions, and it’s time we own that responsibility.

Letting Go: The Power of Accountability

True power doesn’t come from control; it comes from accountability. When we take responsibility for our actions—no matter how uncomfortable or uncertain the outcome may be—we step into a space of authenticity and growth. Accountability requires us to look at ourselves honestly and ask, “What am I avoiding by trying to control this?” It invites us to sit with our discomfort, to acknowledge our fears, and to own our role in the situations we face.

By doing this, we come to understand that control was never really about others—it was always about us. When we try to control others, we’re often trying to escape accountability for our own actions. And by releasing the need to control, we’re no longer able to dissolve our responsibility in our behavior.

Letting go of control doesn’t mean letting go of influence. It means accepting that we cannot dictate how others will act or how life will unfold. But we can choose how we show up in those moments, how we respond, and how we navigate the uncertainties of life with integrity.

Moving Beyond Control

When we relinquish the illusion of control, we open ourselves to a deeper sense of trust—not only in ourselves but also in the process of life. We learn that vulnerability is not weakness but strength. We learn that mistakes are opportunities to grow, not signs of failure. And we learn that true freedom comes from allowing ourselves and others to simply be, without the need to manipulate or control the outcome.

Moving beyond control is a practice of releasing the need to justify every decision, every action, every emotion. It’s about trusting that we are enough, that we can make mistakes, and that we can still thrive in the face of uncertainty.

And, most importantly, it’s about acknowledging that we are responsible for our choices—no one else. As humans, we always make choices, even when we think we’re stuck. It’s time we own our power, our autonomy, and the consequences of our decisions. Outside influences cannot be our crutch.

Final Thoughts

Control is seductive because it offers a false sense of security. But the more we hold onto it, the more we limit ourselves from experiencing the fullness of life. By letting go of the illusion of control and embracing accountability, we invite real growth, healing, and connection into our lives.

After all, it’s not about controlling the storm; it’s about learning how to dance in the rain. And it’s about remembering that we always have the choice to dance—no matter what the storm brings.